Michelle's journal entry from Moms Diagnosis:

I'm not gonna lie, I've kind of been avoiding this entry. A lot has changed and gone on in our lives the last few months and I'm just starting to feel like I'm gaining a grip on all we're dealing with.

We got to go home for a week in October, it's always so good to be with my family and always so hard to leave, but this was an exceptionally hard trip.  A few days, before we went down, my Mom mentioned to me she had felt a lump in her left breast, she said she had gone to Dr Tormey to have it checked and the Dr had been unable to feel anything, beside the cyst, that had been there for over a year.  Luckily my mother was in tune with the Spirit and she asked the Dr to go ahead and just drain the cyst, upon doing so the Dr found another lesion just behind this one and was unable to aspirate any fluid from it... when my mom told me this, my heart sank, immediately fearing that this was a cancerous mass, I pushed her to schedule with the Dr to obtain a biopsy of this area, while I was in town.  I went with my Mom to the Dr's appt and as the Dr visualized the growth, I knew what we were looking at and I felt numb and overwhelmed.  After the biopsy was taken I began asking the Dr her impression of what she was seeing and she confirmed my greatest fear... this looked like cancer.  A flood of emotions overtook me, I felt angry, scared and just sad for what I knew my mom was about to endure.  My mom has always had very dense breast tissue, she developed a large cyst in her left breast just prior to my moving to Texas and I had taken her to see Dr Tormey, to get reassurance this mass was a cyst and that we didn't need to drain it or remove it, and to make sure this mass wasn't going to conceal any other growths... well here we were, 18 months later facing the very thing, I thought we were preventing.  I felt helpless and sad, I couldn't sleep that first night, I looked up every clinic in the area that was registered with the health service corps, and the next day, I called every single one of them, almost pleading to find a job that would allow me to move closer to home, I have prayed and prayed to find a way that would enable us to move home sooner and I would be lying if I said I haven't felt confused or frustrated that nothing has worked out, but I pray and pray about this and I continue to feel like my family is still supposed to be in Kermit, TX.  The chemo has been hard on my Mom, it's heartbreaking to hear her pain and frustration through the phone line and be so far away, so limited in my ability to comfort her.  I have this need/desire to try and fix or alleviate pain and suffering, and one of the most important people in my life is suffering and I feel limited in my ability to help, it's been very trying, but I pray and pray that I can be in tune to the Spirit and aware of her needs from a distance. I can't even imagine the pain and emotional strain that she is feeling at this time, but I know that our Heavenly Father has a specific plan for my Mom right now and that our family as a whole can be strengthened and refined through her experiences. My mom is one of the strongest women I know, she never complains and never thinks about her self, and through all the pain and heartache she has already endured, she has handled it with grace and humility and my love and admiration for her continues to grow.  She lost her hair this week, I can tell over the phone that this has been hard on her, my mom has always been gorgeous, physically, and to think that she may be doubting her appearance now, makes me sad, because honestly, she looks just absolutely beautiful, without her hair.  One of my favorite quotes is from Marjorie Hinckley:

I don’t want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with grass stains on my shoes from mowing Sister Schenk’s lawn. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor’s children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone’s garden. I want to be there with children’s sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.

D&C 58:27
Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;

I know she's not talking about enduring cancer in this quote, but I feel like it's applicable, I feel like we need to roll up our sleeves, anxiously engage ourselves and lose ourselves in the pursuit of salvation.  When I look at my Mom in this picture, that's exactly how I see her, and what I see her doing... enduring to the end and really living.  Somehow I think this gives me an even deeper glimpse into her soul, you can see the pure beauty and love in her eyes and I somehow feel like she has an added love of the Savior.  I admire the wife, mother, grandmother and friend that my Mom is and I hope and pray that we can beat this cancer and spend another 20yrs learning and growing together, but I have a huge sense of peace in knowing that my Heavenly Father has a plan for each and everyone of us and that regardless of when our time on this Earth may end, we will have the joy and blessing of being together forever, no greater gift could we have been given!

Cari's wisdom

Yes, Cari does have wisdom.  A few months ago Cari and I were discussing how people in different neighborhoods take the time to visit with each other and enjoy their neighbors and other neighborhoods act as though they don't even know each other.  Cari said ,"Mom I think that some people are doing all they can just to survive, they have nothing left they are just trying to survive." I agreed with her and didn't reallly think much more about it.  Until now, of course, because I have so much to learn and I don't remember lessons until they hit home hard for me.
Here's the hit for me.  Eric and I were shopping for Mallorie's christmas and we saw the detective for Washington City at Christensens.  Eric of course walked over, said hello and shook hands with him.  I on the other hand just started looking at shoes and waved.  When we got to the car I just began to cry, poor Eric. I apologized to Eric for not extending myself and being engaging to his coworker and I felt aweful that I was now the person that has nothing, I was with Eric and doing everything posssible just to survive.  My heart just hurts that people carry so much weight on their shoulders each day that all they can do is survive.  I will extended myself to others with the hope of lightening their load for the short time I am with them.  I am so grateful this is temporary because this is trult hard!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Life is good! Danielle and I ran 4 miles with the ladies in the ward this morning what a great way to start ther day.  I'm so thankful to feel well enough to do this.  Just anticipating my treatment tomorrow, I see  the doc and I receive all 3 meds tomorrow so that means we have 3 weeks under our belt, YES!, 15 more weeks of chemo, we got this!! 
Feeling stressed  for Susie and Dallin waiting for results of todays tests to find out if the chemo is working, I just have to remember Heavenly Father is aware of them.  Its interesting how much comfort I have received from other peoples prayers, fasting as a family and priesthood blessings.  I pray that Susie and Dallin feel my prayers.
Some interesting things that I have realized and experienced that I never would have experienced if not for my cancer.
My brother in law, Dallin, told me that he loved me, that was awesome!
My brother, Alan, has this long ponytail, and his hair matters to him.  He called to let me know he had found a company that would take his hair and make me a wig! What a feeling to know that your brother would sacrafice for me something that was important to him.  He loves me and I needed to know that.
My brother, David, who hasn't really wanted to be involved with the family has called twice to see how I was doing, if his anger was towards me I am grateful he has forgiven and cares.
So now something we take for granted and sort of funny.  I went to try on this shirt and so in the changing room which was really dark I took my shirt off very carefully so as not to pull my hair off.  No luck, there goes the wig flying across the dressing room.  So here I am in the dark dressing room trying to get my wig on straight!  That took some time it just would not go on straight, gotta laugh.  So appreciate that your hair doesn't fly off when you change your shirt.
My sister Susan calls almost daily to be sure how I'm doing, like she doesn't have enought on her mind.
Lori and Mark and Peggy and Dave came up just to say hi and have dinner, how sweet.
Lori's girls have sent me so many scarves, can't figure them out yet but I'm trying.
Peg and Lori came and put together my 12 days of Christmas in one afternoon!
Howard sent me an awesome book that I've learned so much from.
I can't even begin to express all the things my children and their families do They have loved and supported me in ways that I cannot even begin to thank them for. Never have I been by myself to go to anything and theres been alot of things to go to!!
Bryan's been an incredible support to me especially when all I seem to do is cry and I don't even know why, and doctor after doctor.
We are in a new ward and the new ward has been so supportive and caring we couldn't ask for more.  The girls I run with are so awesome and encourage me whether we are running or have to stop and cry together.
Bottom line I am so blessed to be having this refining experience in my life and to be surrounded by so many amazing people!!  I love you all so much.

To Target with Courage

Friday, Dec 7, 2012 I decided to go without my wig today, I felt confident and it was so comfortable to just wear this cute little crocheted beanie.  Krischelle had bought me some adorable hats at Target but with no hair underneath them I sort of looked like a little girl with her grandmas hat on that was to big for her.  So feeling courageous I head into Target without my hair! It was a good feeling until I went to the fitting room with my 4 new hats I wanted to try on and the lady said, Oh your going to be mad at me but I can't allow accessories in the changing room you"ll have to go back to the mirrors at the front of the store where the hats are."  I just said okay thank-you.  Then I thought where is her supervisor she needs to hear a littlepiece of my mind.  Then I  decided against that because I knew I would begin to cry as I already was doing. Little pep talk time to self I recovered and realized she was just doing her job and I can take off this beanie in front of the whole store and try on new hats, this is who I am and I didn't choose this but I was going to make the best of it!  I did find some great hats and learned that sometimes following the letter of the law is not as important as the person! Sometimes we do need to be flexable in order to be compassionate.

Tara and the kids and Brin helped me decorate the tree today, I am so blessed to feel so good and have them around.  Bryan puts up with me crying about everything and rubs my bald head, I love him to do that.

Shaving Night

My hairdresser and I picture

My first treatment

Part of my support staff.

Shaving Night-Tara

Wednesday, December 5, 2012
This morning my mom gave us the news that it was time to shave her head.  I knew it was coming, but in the back of my mind kind of hoped that mom wouldn't have to go through this.  Mom invited us all over that night for a big family get-together, which are always fun and exciting.  We got Michelle and her family on the computer and Cari and her family on the phone, so we were all together. 

My mom gathered all of the grand kids around her for a little lesson.  She brought out cute paper hearts on a popsicle stick, one for each of the grandchildren.  On one side of the heart was a frowning face and on the other was a smiling face.  Mom talked about how sometimes our hearts can hurt and feel sad when people are not nice and say mean things.  Then mom talked about how we need to be nice to people and make their hearts happy.  We talked about how everyone is different and we need to treat everybody kindly.  Mom talked about she was going to look different and told the kids how they could always ask her questions or talk to her about anything.  Mom was so strong and her thoughts were very touching.  I appreciate that she opened up the subject for the grand kids and now they will be comfortable talking to her about it and asking her questions.

It was now time for the inevitable ... Danielle got the clippers and started to cut moms hair.  Once again mom was so extremely strong!  It was so amazing how strong/tough she looked without hair.  I almost felt like she now looked on the outside, almost as tough as she is on the inside.  I think that having the grand kids see this and having the discussion before-hand, helped them to realize that she was the same grandma as she has always been; with or without hair.  It didn't phase any of them that grandma no longer had hair.

At the end I shared a scripture that I had found when I first found out about the cancer.  It was 1 Samuel 16:7 that talks about how the world looketh on the outer appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.  My mom has the best heart of anyone that I know!  She always gives everybody the benefit of the doubt and helps everyone whenever she can.  I know that this night and the shaving of her head had to be one of the hardest things that my mom has had to do, but I really appreciate that she was willing to share this difficult moment with all of us.  I think that it was such a bonding experience for our family, and this entire experience will continue to be.  My mom has looked at this experience in an eternal perspective from day one.  Such a difficult trial for her, but allowing us all to learn and grow through her.  She is an amazing and strong woman, and our hero!!   -Tara

A New Friend

Sat, December 1, 2012 Bryan took me to the ER, Friday had been a rough day and Saturday I couldn't even hardly get up and was running a fever.  Going to the ER is sort of an interesting thing for me because I enjoy seeing what Cari does and the people she works with treat us so kindly.  Iwill be honest I just don't really remember alot of what happened in the ER.  I do remember them saying that my white blood cell count was 200 and so I would need to be admitted for a few days.  Thats not the important part, the lesson that came with this visit is!  I must have looked like death when I went there because a young man that works on the weekends, so he knows Cari and he also noticed Bryan from motorcycle riding, saw me from a distance.  When Cari went to work he brought her this big pink bag of things that he likes with a card that he wrote this. "You don't know me but I care, heres some stuff that I like maybe you will to. A friend" His mother would be so proud wouldn't she! Well he taught me a great big lesson about just being who you are and acting when you feel prompted, even if you don't know the person. It truly meant so much to me. What an example! It felt good to laugh and smile and be cared about, but I must have  truly looked like heck!!

Lenora made a difference in my life

When we made the decision to get the chemo started right away and not wait until after Thanksgiving things started to happen very quickly.  I figured that by next Thanksgiving I would be done and the stress gone so lets get this started!  I was worried about my eyebrows because I had seen a picture of a women with no hair and she had these beautiful eyebrows.  I was extremely concerned that I would paint those babies on there and halfway through the day they would be smudged across my face.  The hair was not a concern at this point because it wasn't real for some reason and I had Danielle so I knew all would be well there.  Cari made a phone call and got me an appointment for the next day, that never happens, to have permanent makeup done on my eyebrows.  I was truly relieved, and my brain was not functioning fully I completely went  to the wrong place.  I went to Aura Spa and that is where I met Lenora.  She is an absolutely beautiful woman, if she walked past you in  the mall you would go wow she's so perfect it can't really be real! How judgemental of me, and I am ashamed but being refined at the present stage of my life.  This physically beautiful woman taught me so much in such a short time.  Her goal when I was there was to be sure I felt truly beautiful and feminine. Mission accomplished! I truly learned not to judge the outside appearance, she truly was not consummed with herself but consummed with me that day.  I appreciate being reminded that whats on the inside is what matters and that you can have it all and still be so Christlike on the inside.

Heavenly Father gives me Peace!

Ok so I finally quit procrastinating and made the appointment to see Dr Tormey.  Feeling a little insecure because I wasn't sure I physically felt anything but I needed to convince her it was there.  So here we go she does a little breast exam and everything seems the same as the last time we visited she looks at my mamogram from a few months ago, all is well! So what are you here for? Well I'm feeling something right here and I wanted your opinion. Ok, I just don't seem to feel anything the cyct is still right here but nothing else, I take her finger four or five times and place it where I think this is at and she says ,"nothing there", lets take a look with the ultrasound just to be sure.  You guessed, "nothing there".  Me,being petrified to have this cyst drained, decided well ok were done then, but my mouth just said," then I guess we had better drain that cyst so the visit wasn't a waste of time."  Oh I wish I hadn't said that because I was truly afraid of the pain. Dr T says this is so quick I'm not even going to numb you because the sting of the numbing shot is worse than the draining. Ok lets go! She put this very long needle into the side of my left breast, not great not aweful, then she starts fishing around and moving this needle deeper and deeper and just all over the place. She says darn thing it just won't hold still it move away from me everytime I get near it, she states that this is very odd to have happen.  So I quietly said is there a chance we could you the numbing shot before you go back in that was quit painful, thank goodness she agreed! Finally numb, thank goodness for that miracle drug, she gets the cyst drained, YES, I am ecstatic, then I hear her say oh theres another little one hiding underneath that cyst, I'm going to drain it while were here, ok? Ok go for it I'm still numb. Well she says nothing will come out of it so again we start jamming this needle all over the place again. Dr T is ultrasounding at the same time and she not liking the looks of this thing nor the fact that nothing will drain.  She can tell the left breast has about all it can take for a day and says we need to biopsy this I'm really not comfortable with what is going on. I'm thinking oh no big deal Peggy had a biopsy, my mom did all was well no big deal!

The biopsy was scheduled so Michelle could go with me she has worked with Dr T in the past and just wanted to be there, I'm glad she was.  Dr T did the biopsy and it was evident just looking at Michelle all was not well by what they were seeing.  Dr T finally said ok we'll send that to the lab but were going to go ahead and schedule surgery right now because I'm 99% sure thats cancer.  Michelle was very upset, I was doing ok, but was feeling like this must be more serious than I realize because Michelle is not well!  Sure enough 2 days later, Michelle had gone back to Texas, the results were in. Possibly Stage 2 Breast Cancer ER/PR negative with the HER2NEW being positive!Wow! I'm still pretty calm Heavenly Father is aware of me and this will be fine!! Two days earlier I had been called to be the new Primary President in our new ward and I was ecstatic, before Bishop left that night he said "Sis DeMille is there anything that would keep you from fulfilling this calling at this time?" I thought it sounded odd I said no my children all help eachother and I only work 2 days a week this is a great time in my life. Well I'm not sure maybe he had a little clue was headed my way  very quickly.  So the day I was supposed to give him counselor names I instead gave hime my news of breast cancer.  He sent over the first counselor in the Bishopric, Bro Haslem, who happens to be one of the best Oncologists in St George, what a blessing, he spent hours explaining the situatio to us and also felt that with whats ahead we should wait on the calling, that was extremely difficult for me to understand. But I have been given peace and assured I will have his opportunity in my future.

Miracles refining us daily!

I love life always have and I just have so much fun living it, because your part of it!  Let me start a year and a half ago when I found a lump in my left breast. Panic!! I, with Michelle's insisting immediately went downstairs to visit Dr Tormey.  I was immediately assured through an ultrasound that all was fine this was just a cyst (told I probably drank some caffeine and this would explain it, I thought that was a joke Michelle paid her to say). I was told that if it was bothering me she could stick a needle in there and drain it - didn't sound so good so I made sure this would not turn into cancer or be a problem later, no problems go home don't worry about it!! Yes, no needles all is well what a relief.  I have my yearly mamogram done all is well.
The beginning of October 2012 I think I feel a small lump in a different spot on my left breast, I ignore it. A few nights later I finally say hey Bryan put your finger rigth there, do you feel anything odd. No. I don't feel anything with my finger but my mind says yes you doTerri. Very odd feeling (not yet smart enough to realize the spirit talking to me) I know Michelle will be in town the end of October so I decide I'll just wait and see what she think. I had not mentioned it to anyone but the one time to Bryan but it just wouldn't let me go. I decided its not fair to show Michelle she will want Dr Tormey to ultrasound. I continue to put this off then I get to work and hear that Dr Eggert has been diagnosed with breast cancer, she is very upset and cannot understand. She has taken care of herself and is not a candidate for this! So I decide a few days later I'll just ask her to check my breast and see what she thinks. She 's finally in the office and I find some quiet  time with her. "Dr Eggert I found a lump or something on my breast I think, would you mind, she cuts me off and says "No I will not look at a thing I want an ultrasound at Dr Tormeys today! Caught me a little off guard but I also understood how concerned she was. So I again put it off for a few days then finally went because Michelle was coming in a few days and she would be able to tell somsething was stressing me.