I was driving home and it had been a week since I have felt well enough to drive myself anywhere and I just got the biggest smile on my face and realized that "Life is fun, I felt like I was 16 yrs old and just got my drivers license and this is the first time I've driven on my own. I'm so grateful for my life and my love for life!"
Back to symptoms, I'm not gonna lie this really sucks!! Where to start, I guess I'll just list them.
The end of my tongue is numb all the time, so weird, and alot of times my lips are numb and always so dried out. I got sores on my tongue once and they were awful but they haven't come back and hopefully won't. Everything tastes like salt for about 2 weeks of the month, but I'm learning to eat anyways. My eyes are so sensitive to the sun and bright lights and for some reason they just drop tears (I do cry alot) but thats not it my eyes just tear all the time. My skin gets very dried out on my hands to where it will just be bright red and then peel off. My arms get these weird red spots all over them but no pain their just ugly. I guess the big one is my hair falling out (really there are so many worse things in life) My hair didn't just fall out all at once. I would run my fingers thru my hair and my hand would just be full of hair so I decided we would shave it so I didn't have hair all over the bedroom and bathroom. There are times when the skin on my head just hurts. When we shaved my head I did a full body shave and haven't shaved since and all is silky smooth still. (Don't be jealous but it truly is nice) I did have my eyebrows tattooed on and the weird part is part of them are still there and my eyelashes are still there which is such a blessing, I can just see myself with my fake eyelashes falling off half way thru the day and my eyebrow pencil smudged across my face! I'm so vain, bald and I'm still vain so character traits run deep. I was getting a wart on my hand and had 2 others and they are gone so all is not negative. Hot flashes are pretty steady as is fatigue. The nasuea is a big deal but the meds control it so well. I just hate putting all these pills inside my poor body.
I am either having diahrrea and can't keep any food in or I'm constipated and having stomach cramps. Sleep hasn't been to bad thanks to my meds. My balance has not been so good, I almost fell down the steps when Holly was here with me visiting, good reason not to ride my bike. I take Claritan every morning and it seems to keep me from shooting pain thru my body. Before I learned about Claritan it felt like pain was just shooting thru me all the time, now I just get like restless legs that won't relax. I've learned to only eat about 1/3 of a meal and then I won't get sick, should be good weight loss but I forget sometimes and get sick because I love food and treats.
Enough complaining, I truly am so blessed that I can take all the meds that I hate so much and I can usually function pretty well. I do realize that I am so blessed to be going thru this with my end result being no cancer left anywhere!! What a true blessing. And seriously my poor breasts hurt for so long we went from the drainage to the biopsy to the surgery to a port, there's a true blessing theres no more pain in this area!
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Michelle's journal entry from Moms Diagnosis:
I'm not gonna lie, I've kind of been avoiding this entry. A lot has changed and gone on in our lives the last few months and I'm just starting to feel like I'm gaining a grip on all we're dealing with.
We got to go home for a week in October, it's always so good to be with my family and always so hard to leave, but this was an exceptionally hard trip. A few days, before we went down, my Mom mentioned to me she had felt a lump in her left breast, she said she had gone to Dr Tormey to have it checked and the Dr had been unable to feel anything, beside the cyst, that had been there for over a year. Luckily my mother was in tune with the Spirit and she asked the Dr to go ahead and just drain the cyst, upon doing so the Dr found another lesion just behind this one and was unable to aspirate any fluid from it... when my mom told me this, my heart sank, immediately fearing that this was a cancerous mass, I pushed her to schedule with the Dr to obtain a biopsy of this area, while I was in town. I went with my Mom to the Dr's appt and as the Dr visualized the growth, I knew what we were looking at and I felt numb and overwhelmed. After the biopsy was taken I began asking the Dr her impression of what she was seeing and she confirmed my greatest fear... this looked like cancer. A flood of emotions overtook me, I felt angry, scared and just sad for what I knew my mom was about to endure. My mom has always had very dense breast tissue, she developed a large cyst in her left breast just prior to my moving to Texas and I had taken her to see Dr Tormey, to get reassurance this mass was a cyst and that we didn't need to drain it or remove it, and to make sure this mass wasn't going to conceal any other growths... well here we were, 18 months later facing the very thing, I thought we were preventing. I felt helpless and sad, I couldn't sleep that first night, I looked up every clinic in the area that was registered with the health service corps, and the next day, I called every single one of them, almost pleading to find a job that would allow me to move closer to home, I have prayed and prayed to find a way that would enable us to move home sooner and I would be lying if I said I haven't felt confused or frustrated that nothing has worked out, but I pray and pray about this and I continue to feel like my family is still supposed to be in Kermit, TX. The chemo has been hard on my Mom, it's heartbreaking to hear her pain and frustration through the phone line and be so far away, so limited in my ability to comfort her. I have this need/desire to try and fix or alleviate pain and suffering, and one of the most important people in my life is suffering and I feel limited in my ability to help, it's been very trying, but I pray and pray that I can be in tune to the Spirit and aware of her needs from a distance. I can't even imagine the pain and emotional strain that she is feeling at this time, but I know that our Heavenly Father has a specific plan for my Mom right now and that our family as a whole can be strengthened and refined through her experiences. My mom is one of the strongest women I know, she never complains and never thinks about her self, and through all the pain and heartache she has already endured, she has handled it with grace and humility and my love and admiration for her continues to grow. She lost her hair this week, I can tell over the phone that this has been hard on her, my mom has always been gorgeous, physically, and to think that she may be doubting her appearance now, makes me sad, because honestly, she looks just absolutely beautiful, without her hair. One of my favorite quotes is from Marjorie Hinckley:
I don’t want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with grass stains on my shoes from mowing Sister Schenk’s lawn. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor’s children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone’s garden. I want to be there with children’s sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.
D&C 58:27
Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;
.JPG)
I know she's not talking about enduring cancer in this quote, but I feel like it's applicable, I feel like we need to roll up our sleeves, anxiously engage ourselves and lose ourselves in the pursuit of salvation. When I look at my Mom in this picture, that's exactly how I see her, and what I see her doing... enduring to the end and really living. Somehow I think this gives me an even deeper glimpse into her soul, you can see the pure beauty and love in her eyes and I somehow feel like she has an added love of the Savior. I admire the wife, mother, grandmother and friend that my Mom is and I hope and pray that we can beat this cancer and spend another 20yrs learning and growing together, but I have a huge sense of peace in knowing that my Heavenly Father has a plan for each and everyone of us and that regardless of when our time on this Earth may end, we will have the joy and blessing of being together forever, no greater gift could we have been given!
I'm not gonna lie, I've kind of been avoiding this entry. A lot has changed and gone on in our lives the last few months and I'm just starting to feel like I'm gaining a grip on all we're dealing with.
We got to go home for a week in October, it's always so good to be with my family and always so hard to leave, but this was an exceptionally hard trip. A few days, before we went down, my Mom mentioned to me she had felt a lump in her left breast, she said she had gone to Dr Tormey to have it checked and the Dr had been unable to feel anything, beside the cyst, that had been there for over a year. Luckily my mother was in tune with the Spirit and she asked the Dr to go ahead and just drain the cyst, upon doing so the Dr found another lesion just behind this one and was unable to aspirate any fluid from it... when my mom told me this, my heart sank, immediately fearing that this was a cancerous mass, I pushed her to schedule with the Dr to obtain a biopsy of this area, while I was in town. I went with my Mom to the Dr's appt and as the Dr visualized the growth, I knew what we were looking at and I felt numb and overwhelmed. After the biopsy was taken I began asking the Dr her impression of what she was seeing and she confirmed my greatest fear... this looked like cancer. A flood of emotions overtook me, I felt angry, scared and just sad for what I knew my mom was about to endure. My mom has always had very dense breast tissue, she developed a large cyst in her left breast just prior to my moving to Texas and I had taken her to see Dr Tormey, to get reassurance this mass was a cyst and that we didn't need to drain it or remove it, and to make sure this mass wasn't going to conceal any other growths... well here we were, 18 months later facing the very thing, I thought we were preventing. I felt helpless and sad, I couldn't sleep that first night, I looked up every clinic in the area that was registered with the health service corps, and the next day, I called every single one of them, almost pleading to find a job that would allow me to move closer to home, I have prayed and prayed to find a way that would enable us to move home sooner and I would be lying if I said I haven't felt confused or frustrated that nothing has worked out, but I pray and pray about this and I continue to feel like my family is still supposed to be in Kermit, TX. The chemo has been hard on my Mom, it's heartbreaking to hear her pain and frustration through the phone line and be so far away, so limited in my ability to comfort her. I have this need/desire to try and fix or alleviate pain and suffering, and one of the most important people in my life is suffering and I feel limited in my ability to help, it's been very trying, but I pray and pray that I can be in tune to the Spirit and aware of her needs from a distance. I can't even imagine the pain and emotional strain that she is feeling at this time, but I know that our Heavenly Father has a specific plan for my Mom right now and that our family as a whole can be strengthened and refined through her experiences. My mom is one of the strongest women I know, she never complains and never thinks about her self, and through all the pain and heartache she has already endured, she has handled it with grace and humility and my love and admiration for her continues to grow. She lost her hair this week, I can tell over the phone that this has been hard on her, my mom has always been gorgeous, physically, and to think that she may be doubting her appearance now, makes me sad, because honestly, she looks just absolutely beautiful, without her hair. One of my favorite quotes is from Marjorie Hinckley:
I don’t want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with grass stains on my shoes from mowing Sister Schenk’s lawn. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor’s children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone’s garden. I want to be there with children’s sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.
D&C 58:27
Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;
.JPG)
I know she's not talking about enduring cancer in this quote, but I feel like it's applicable, I feel like we need to roll up our sleeves, anxiously engage ourselves and lose ourselves in the pursuit of salvation. When I look at my Mom in this picture, that's exactly how I see her, and what I see her doing... enduring to the end and really living. Somehow I think this gives me an even deeper glimpse into her soul, you can see the pure beauty and love in her eyes and I somehow feel like she has an added love of the Savior. I admire the wife, mother, grandmother and friend that my Mom is and I hope and pray that we can beat this cancer and spend another 20yrs learning and growing together, but I have a huge sense of peace in knowing that my Heavenly Father has a plan for each and everyone of us and that regardless of when our time on this Earth may end, we will have the joy and blessing of being together forever, no greater gift could we have been given!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Cari's wisdom
Yes, Cari does have wisdom. A few months ago Cari and I were discussing how people in different neighborhoods take the time to visit with each other and enjoy their neighbors and other neighborhoods act as though they don't even know each other. Cari said ,"Mom I think that some people are doing all they can just to survive, they have nothing left they are just trying to survive." I agreed with her and didn't reallly think much more about it. Until now, of course, because I have so much to learn and I don't remember lessons until they hit home hard for me.
Here's the hit for me. Eric and I were shopping for Mallorie's christmas and we saw the detective for Washington City at Christensens. Eric of course walked over, said hello and shook hands with him. I on the other hand just started looking at shoes and waved. When we got to the car I just began to cry, poor Eric. I apologized to Eric for not extending myself and being engaging to his coworker and I felt aweful that I was now the person that has nothing, I was with Eric and doing everything posssible just to survive. My heart just hurts that people carry so much weight on their shoulders each day that all they can do is survive. I will extended myself to others with the hope of lightening their load for the short time I am with them. I am so grateful this is temporary because this is trult hard!
Here's the hit for me. Eric and I were shopping for Mallorie's christmas and we saw the detective for Washington City at Christensens. Eric of course walked over, said hello and shook hands with him. I on the other hand just started looking at shoes and waved. When we got to the car I just began to cry, poor Eric. I apologized to Eric for not extending myself and being engaging to his coworker and I felt aweful that I was now the person that has nothing, I was with Eric and doing everything posssible just to survive. My heart just hurts that people carry so much weight on their shoulders each day that all they can do is survive. I will extended myself to others with the hope of lightening their load for the short time I am with them. I am so grateful this is temporary because this is trult hard!
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Life is good! Danielle and I ran 4 miles with the ladies in the ward this morning what a great way to start ther day. I'm so thankful to feel well enough to do this. Just anticipating my treatment tomorrow, I see the doc and I receive all 3 meds tomorrow so that means we have 3 weeks under our belt, YES!, 15 more weeks of chemo, we got this!!
Feeling stressed for Susie and Dallin waiting for results of todays tests to find out if the chemo is working, I just have to remember Heavenly Father is aware of them. Its interesting how much comfort I have received from other peoples prayers, fasting as a family and priesthood blessings. I pray that Susie and Dallin feel my prayers.
Some interesting things that I have realized and experienced that I never would have experienced if not for my cancer.
My brother in law, Dallin, told me that he loved me, that was awesome!
My brother, Alan, has this long ponytail, and his hair matters to him. He called to let me know he had found a company that would take his hair and make me a wig! What a feeling to know that your brother would sacrafice for me something that was important to him. He loves me and I needed to know that.
My brother, David, who hasn't really wanted to be involved with the family has called twice to see how I was doing, if his anger was towards me I am grateful he has forgiven and cares.
So now something we take for granted and sort of funny. I went to try on this shirt and so in the changing room which was really dark I took my shirt off very carefully so as not to pull my hair off. No luck, there goes the wig flying across the dressing room. So here I am in the dark dressing room trying to get my wig on straight! That took some time it just would not go on straight, gotta laugh. So appreciate that your hair doesn't fly off when you change your shirt.
My sister Susan calls almost daily to be sure how I'm doing, like she doesn't have enought on her mind.
Lori and Mark and Peggy and Dave came up just to say hi and have dinner, how sweet.
Lori's girls have sent me so many scarves, can't figure them out yet but I'm trying.
Peg and Lori came and put together my 12 days of Christmas in one afternoon!
Howard sent me an awesome book that I've learned so much from.
I can't even begin to express all the things my children and their families do They have loved and supported me in ways that I cannot even begin to thank them for. Never have I been by myself to go to anything and theres been alot of things to go to!!
Bryan's been an incredible support to me especially when all I seem to do is cry and I don't even know why, and doctor after doctor.
We are in a new ward and the new ward has been so supportive and caring we couldn't ask for more. The girls I run with are so awesome and encourage me whether we are running or have to stop and cry together.
Bottom line I am so blessed to be having this refining experience in my life and to be surrounded by so many amazing people!! I love you all so much.
Feeling stressed for Susie and Dallin waiting for results of todays tests to find out if the chemo is working, I just have to remember Heavenly Father is aware of them. Its interesting how much comfort I have received from other peoples prayers, fasting as a family and priesthood blessings. I pray that Susie and Dallin feel my prayers.
Some interesting things that I have realized and experienced that I never would have experienced if not for my cancer.
My brother in law, Dallin, told me that he loved me, that was awesome!
My brother, Alan, has this long ponytail, and his hair matters to him. He called to let me know he had found a company that would take his hair and make me a wig! What a feeling to know that your brother would sacrafice for me something that was important to him. He loves me and I needed to know that.
My brother, David, who hasn't really wanted to be involved with the family has called twice to see how I was doing, if his anger was towards me I am grateful he has forgiven and cares.
So now something we take for granted and sort of funny. I went to try on this shirt and so in the changing room which was really dark I took my shirt off very carefully so as not to pull my hair off. No luck, there goes the wig flying across the dressing room. So here I am in the dark dressing room trying to get my wig on straight! That took some time it just would not go on straight, gotta laugh. So appreciate that your hair doesn't fly off when you change your shirt.
My sister Susan calls almost daily to be sure how I'm doing, like she doesn't have enought on her mind.
Lori and Mark and Peggy and Dave came up just to say hi and have dinner, how sweet.
Lori's girls have sent me so many scarves, can't figure them out yet but I'm trying.
Peg and Lori came and put together my 12 days of Christmas in one afternoon!
Howard sent me an awesome book that I've learned so much from.
I can't even begin to express all the things my children and their families do They have loved and supported me in ways that I cannot even begin to thank them for. Never have I been by myself to go to anything and theres been alot of things to go to!!
Bryan's been an incredible support to me especially when all I seem to do is cry and I don't even know why, and doctor after doctor.
We are in a new ward and the new ward has been so supportive and caring we couldn't ask for more. The girls I run with are so awesome and encourage me whether we are running or have to stop and cry together.
Bottom line I am so blessed to be having this refining experience in my life and to be surrounded by so many amazing people!! I love you all so much.
Friday, December 7, 2012
To Target with Courage
Friday, Dec 7, 2012 I decided to go without my wig today, I
felt confident and it was so comfortable to just wear this cute little
crocheted beanie. Krischelle had bought me some adorable hats at Target
but with no hair underneath them I sort of looked like a little girl with
her grandmas hat on that was to big for her. So feeling courageous I head
into Target without my hair! It was a good feeling until I went to the fitting
room with my 4 new hats I wanted to try on and the lady said, Oh your going to
be mad at me but I can't allow accessories in the changing room you"ll
have to go back to the mirrors at the front of the store where the hats
are." I just said okay thank-you. Then I thought where is her
supervisor she needs to hear a littlepiece of my mind. Then I
decided against that because I knew I would begin to cry as I already was
doing. Little pep talk time to self I recovered and realized she was just doing
her job and I can take off this beanie in front of the whole store and try on
new hats, this is who I am and I didn't choose this but I was going to make the
best of it! I did find some great hats and learned that sometimes
following the letter of the law is not as important as the person! Sometimes we
do need to be flexable in order to be compassionate.
Tara and the kids and Brin helped me decorate the tree today, I am so blessed to feel so good and have them around. Bryan puts up with me crying about everything and rubs my bald head, I love him to do that.
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